Risking Everything--When the Old Story Falls Away
Thursday, February 25, 2010 at 9:02PM Early in childhood, I became aware that I was very sensitive to people and capable of all kinds of complex, internalized emotion. What I didn't know was twofold: First, I was not alone. Second, this sensitivity was so acute that I would take on heroic measures to keep harmony around me and to please and impress others--all of which would lead to certain kinds of success but equal difficulty in actually knowing what I wanted.
For many, this sounds familiar. There is, however, a more helpful path to tuning in to that essence that "makes me me" and guides us to living as ourselves. Personally, I do not believe in a predetermined destiny, but I do believe in the soul's journey to live out its work and co-create with the universe. A sprinkle of the mysteries of science and spirit intersect with personal responsibility, intention, and ordinary physical forces. Ultimately, what this means to me is that our life challenges can be summed up by the age old Serenity Prayer, which goes: "God, (insert Universe, Gaia, or whatever works for you), grant me the grace to accept those things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
We recognize the truth in these words. It's knowing how to act on that last clause that challenges most of us.
When do we accept what is; when do we work to transform something; and when do we look for a way to let go and start afresh? Working this one out is a lifetime process. Witness the struggle between China and Tibet. Even the Dalai Lama is challenged by knowing when to hold a stance for his people and when to change his stance, striving for a "higher compromise" that will ignite anger for some. Rather than letting this lack of certainty bother us, what we can do is gather all of the universal compost that has come our way from past and present and use it to cultivate a garden, so to speak. We can do our best with what is true for us--and trust that simple living that way will bear fruit. And this brings me to the point where the old story falls away.
Last week, my husband and I were on our first no-laptop vacation in several years. While skiing along a cross country trail in the Haute Jura mountain region, I found myself reviewing, for the ten thousandth time, the issue of whether I should seek a structured job, returning to the 9-5 mechanics of seeing patients in a regular clinic under the title of holistic or integrative doctor or to set out on my own in a way that would allow me to have longer visits for mind-body approaches and depth work with the psyche.
Although I studied first language, communication, and literature and then soaked up anthropology and the psychology of human development in college and graduate school, I made a tremendous leap into medical school when I was 28. Health is a hobby of mine, so getting an MD is not hard to explain. But along the way, I have on and off fought describing myself as someone who uses transpersonal psychology and uses energy, movement, story and ritual in healing. The fact that after so many years, I only say those words in certain company and not with everyone I meet despite the fact that they describe my work well.
So...there I am on the ski trails, when a rather ordinary voice inside my head said, "But there are thousands and thousands of people who would seek you out if you were a non-traditional MD, a psychologist, or any kind of therapist or energetic/intuitive healer or shaman. Why are you still fighting this?" Split second pause while I acknowledge that truth. Re-enter the voice: "The reason you chose to become an MD and still describe yourself that way is so that certain people you love or care about professionally will be supremely proud of you and completely comfortable and unthreatened by your choices. By keeping certain aspects of yourself on the down low, you thought you could create peace, but instead, you've created a nearly 20-year process of keeping yourself from what really matters to you." End of revelation.
What!!!? Just like that? A plain old voice unraveling 20 years of internal entanglement? And such a simple, uncomplicated tone? There you have it? It's just all done? I thought I should write it down in case, in its utter simplicity, my mind couldn't hang on to it. I did--on the back of a brochure.
Then I remembered the speech of JK Rowling as she addressed new graduates at Harvard: No matter what your early life experience..."there is an expiry date on blaming your parents"--or anyone else, I might add, for your choices. How perfectly rational! How true! And when we get right down to it, we might say that others in our lives are usually doing their best to support us, from wherever they stand. It is not their fault if they do not know how to support you perfectly. That's a lot to ask--of anyone. In the end, all we can really do is take the best they had to offer us and use it on our path.
For me, it was the tremendous grip of my inner pleaser and not my parents or teachers or friends who chose my destiny. Once I had it in my brain that there was a "highest and best" way to please them, it seems I could let no other voice--not even my own, convince me that I had the freedom to do what I wanted.
Holy Toledo! This is not the first time I've had the recognition that we are each free, really free, to come alive to who it is we really are. But last night, it was like I had stood in front of the guru or gotten a good spinal adjustment, where the one stubborn, hold-out vertebrae finally wiggles into place, and the whole vertebral column realigns itself and information is once again able to flow, unimpeded, through the intelligence network of the body. I could finally see how horribly afraid I had been to be my most vulnerable, and thus most exquisitely unique, real, and even powerful self. But if you want to unfold and offer your best, there is just no other way than to "channel yourself," which is my summation of the great Martha Graham's words on keeping the channel to your gifts open--no matter whether you even deem them good and worthy. They are your gifts, and they must be used in order to matter. Every other path exhausts you without replentishing your energy. But to be boldly and honestly in pursuit of acting as yourself? This takes energy and, at the same time, fills you up, heart first. Brother Stendahl Rast once said, "The cure for fatigue is not rest. It is wholeheartedness."
And this brings me up to last night, when leading up to Kathleen Slattery Moschkau's interview with Ken Robinson, she quoted Christopher McDougell, author of Born to Run, who blogged that he had just realized "that he had never been brave enough to be afraid." He'd never been bold enough to do things that really scared him, tested his limits, exposed him to failure.
Many of us can take criticism at a distance. It's fear that we might do something to disappoint or upset or disturb someone we love that sends us scuttling under the rug.
This is the Open Secret that the 12th Century poet Rumi (and modern teachers like Elizabeth Lesser) talk about--the fear we all share yet hold under a lid for fear of discovery. We fear we are broken, weak, incapable, or undeserving. Some handle it with brazen (if puffed up) confidence. Others do a better job of seeing that they, too, belong to the human race. I think they trust that their fears and shortcomings aren't too different that those of other people, and this is a gift--a gift many sit on the meditation cushion or in therapists' office years in order to realize. And some of us...well, we internalize, adjust, cope nicely, think we've handled it...until one day, somewhere out on a ski trail, we realize that we've succeeded in cutting ourselves right off from what is most true and most precious about life--our expression of Self--quirks, bumps, missteps, sincerity, rough courage, untapped strength, unusual beauty and all.
So...there you have it. As of today, I am doing something about the false hurdles between me and my passion for spending more time helping people with their interiors. My first step is telling all of you about it.
Whatever your dream is, whatever false distractions you've created to convince yourself it would be better, safer, or necessary to do what you know doesn't bring you alive...gather up your little nuggets of courage and begin. Contrary to popular belief, not all meaningful change has to start with a flair, a big splash into your new life. A small, honest step will do. Believe me, and anyone who has passed this way, a small sincere step is the beginning of the real trail leading home. Imagine for a moment that you can become very small, and let yourself remove the world you carry on your shoulders. See your little self with kind eyes. Acknowledge in your heart the way you have struggled to make your world whole, struggled to keep it together. Where you have fallen short, forgive yourself. You, like your parents, were only doing your best. Now, scoop yourself up into the palms of your hands, and there, blow on the little ember of your life. It is that little flame that matters. It lights the way to the one next step in front of you.
If you don't know what you are reaching for, just breathe, and notice whatever small sensation pulses in your chest. It can take some time and exploration to know the shape of your dreams. While you are waiting, clean your artistst's brushes, get the canvas ready and the art room clean for when you do return to, or enter for the first time, that place where you can see the shape of your artists fire. Keep the bellows blowing and take some small action, each day, to get to know yourself. There is no other way. You cannot begin with someone else's dreams.
If you are lost, an excellent beginning is to get a notebook and simply write, every morning, three (or so) pages with all your thoughts--unedited. You may think that nothing of import is coming through this exercise, but believe me (and Julia Cameron, who first communicated so clearly about the importance of the morning pages,) you will start to find the lost corners of your soul if you begin.
Please pass this story on. I don't know of a single human being whose life isn't touched by figuring this out. And like the hundredth monkey, the more of us who decide to come alive, the more people there will be who can courageously make the same decision.
Deepak Chopra often says that the cure for insomnia is to live a dynamic day. There is nothing more dynamic than living as yourself.
Reader Comments (4)
I feel like breathing a huge sigh of relief (for you) after reading this. Congratulations on realizing what you really want to do; what will make you truly happy and fulfilled!
It's probably no coincidence that the revelation came while you were out in the snow with RW doing something you love.
Good luck with the journey! I look forward to seeing where it will take you!
Wow. My head is spinning and my heart is full. And it feels good. Thank you. Thank you. Thank. You.
What a great blog! It is a pity that I can not find RRS address. If RRS offers a subscription service, I can easily follow your blog!
By Air Jordans
"What I do plan to do is gather all of the universal compost that has come my way from past and present and use it to plant my garden. And this brings me to the point where the old story falls away."
Had to copy and paste this piece of goodness. love.